This is my baby girl Jezebel. She is one of the kittens we bottle fed from just a week or two old. We took her to the vet today, because her belly was so swollen she looked like she was pregnant, and we knew that couldn't be because she had already been fixed. It turns out she has FIP. It's not contagious (it's involved,) but it is hopeless. She is laying on my chest as I write this, and my heart is breaking. She doesn't have long. Maybe a few days, a week or two at best. I'm just....raw....there is no better word to describe how I feel. I look at her and see her little soul. Sweet, quiet and irreplaceable. I have no choices, no options, just the painful realization that I have to accept that she will not be a part of us anymore, at least physically. She will no longer be pushy when she wants to lay with me. Or, have that distinctive smoker's meow, so typical of Siamese. Or, have those soft eyes looking at me like I am the meaning of life for her. None of it. All gone.
I have been running around like a mad woman all day. Craigslisting everything that isn't nailed down for the upcoming move. Figuring out which apartments to see when we go back up to apartment hunt. But, this has stopped me dead. I feel her little heartbeat now, and know that, this heartbeat will not be going to our new home. Jez will not be able to be a part of the Jersey Kitty Commitee (as my hubby, so lovingly dubbed them.) It just doesn't feel right. It feels very wrong. Empty.
As you probably have figured out by now. Our cats are our kids. Whether you can understand this or not, I don't know. But, it's the way it is. We are losing an important part of our family. I'm shattered. Utterly. I could not write of couches, and wallpaper and all the fabulous things to do with Interior Design. Not tonight. All I want to do is think of my little girl...who, has touched me, and showed me more love than I would ever need. I hate to think when I will not have this familiar, fuzzy weight on my chest. All I know is...not tonight. I still have her, at least for tonight.